It's 3am... I can't sleep.... I'm watching this movie, but I can't seem to stop with the all nighters..... I've been on these slight depressive streaks. I hate admitting it..... Most of the time, it seems that I have all of my shit in order. That I have my thoughts, my life, in order.. However, it seems that I am so far from that tonight. I feel like my whole head is spinning, like my thoughts are all over... Andrew's looking into jobs in more populated areas, and, although I'm super happy about it, I'm still iffy. I love my job, but I'll have to quit. Most days, however, I feel like I shouldn't be allowed to work.. That I should just be home, caring for the kids, getting the house clean... but then I realize that I need to be realistic. I'm a horrible house keeper. I'm not that great at being a mom. Shit, 9 times out of 10, I can't even deal with the kids.. I don't have the patience... I feel like I'm horrible and that I don't deserve any of the stuff that I have, the family, the love, etc.... I also feel extremely lonely. Even with Andrew around to talk to, it's like it's the same old thing that I have to say... so I just don't say it. How I feel.. What I'm thinking... I kind of feel like I've alienated some of my friends, too... I don't feel like I have any at the moment... I try and talk to some online, through text, but it's like one thing and I end up not having anything else to say........ I get it, that other people have busy, busy lives.... I should be okay, but I need people... As much as I'm an introvert, I crave attention... I crave it like a little child craves praise... craves love... I feel like it's a sickness. I shouldn't feel like this, as an adult. I should be fine in my own skin, in my own life. Somehow, though, I'm not. I'm not okay... I don't really truly know if I'll ever be okay. I'm not too terribly shabby at faking it, though........
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