So today has been full of ups and downs. We got ana,  and got to go swimming at the hotel in Cincinnati 

After breakfast. I was exhausted.... I swam for a couple minutes. But I ended up having to sit out and take a nap on the little beach chairs.. took showers.. got everything in the car... And headed to the Pure Romance warehouse to pick up my starter consultant kit. Sadly, it wasn't done, so they said to go ahead and come back in an hour. We figured we would go get lunch. It was amazing! It was at this place called Toot's, which just happened to be a pokestop. They had hot dog kids meals free with adults which even included a small ice cream. The food was sooo good! Well, headed back to Pure Romance and they STILL weren't done. I asked if they would ship it, instead. Sure, but I'm pretty bummed. I was hoping to get my stuff started. Oh well. I should just focus on my crafting. We drive, and get to the Michigan welcome center.... Girls and I go to the bathrooms. We come out, and Andrew's headed in. No big deal.....until it starts pouring. Huge amounts of rain, jetting down over us. I couldn't see Ana,but yelled for her to head to the building. I tried the car doors, but they were locked. With Penny in my arms, crying about the rain hurting her, we run back to the building... Ana stayed behind a tree.... and it's been an hour or so and we're still all soaked.. I feel like such an asshole for not just running into the building but I didn't want to leave Ana alone, outside, at a rest stop... Ugh... I still let my stupid anxieties take over.. it's like I can't seem to stop once they start. It's gross. Even with the meds and therapy, even though people say I'm likeable and bubbly and outgoing and funny.... Or whatever other good things... I don't see them. It's like all I can see or feel is negative. I don't see in positives, and i know it's ruining my kids, if not everything else around me, too... I don't know how to quit...  

It's 3am and I must be lonely........

It's 3am... I can't sleep.... I'm watching this movie, but I can't seem to stop with the all nighters..... I've been on these slight depressive streaks. I hate admitting it..... Most of the time, it seems that I have all of my shit in order. That I have my thoughts, my life, in order.. However, it seems that I am so far from that tonight. I feel like my whole head is spinning, like my thoughts are all over... Andrew's looking into jobs in more populated areas, and, although I'm super happy about it, I'm still iffy. I love my job, but I'll have to quit. Most days, however, I feel like I shouldn't be allowed to work.. That I should just be home, caring for the kids, getting the house clean... but then I realize that I need to be realistic. I'm a horrible house keeper. I'm not that great at being a mom. Shit, 9 times out of 10, I can't even deal with the kids.. I don't have the patience... I feel like I'm horrible and that I don't deserve any of the stuff that I have, the family, the love, etc.... I also feel extremely lonely. Even with Andrew around to talk to, it's like it's the same old thing that I have to say... so I just don't say it. How I feel.. What I'm thinking... I kind of feel like I've alienated some of my friends, too... I don't feel like I have any at the moment... I try and talk to some online, through text, but it's like one thing and I end up not having anything else to say........ I get it, that other people have busy, busy lives.... I should be okay, but I need people... As much as I'm an introvert, I crave attention... I crave it like a little child craves praise... craves love... I feel like it's a sickness. I shouldn't feel like this, as an adult. I should be fine in my own skin, in my own life. Somehow, though, I'm not. I'm not okay... I don't really truly know if I'll ever be okay. I'm not too terribly shabby at faking it, though........

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