Saturday, September 3, 2016

Restoration Of The Curse

I have such a hard time voicing shit to everyone. I seem to stay in my head a lot, and, while it does work a lot of the time, it hasn't seemed to be working quite as well lately.

Tonight, I'm sitting at home, without one other person in the house. This weekend is Labor day weekend, and I have to work all weekend. Amee is having a thing at her house this weekend, but I'm staying home, while Andrew and the girls stay the night at Amee's.

Sadly, this gives me time to think without talking to anybody here. I've spent all night so far watching Little Women: LA, which is interesting.

Anyway... So we all know I'm in therapy, I'm on meds. Blah. Well, I keep getting myself still in the mindset of a downward spiral. I think I'm taking on too much. I've started to get my craft business going, which has been a huge thing for me. I love my crafting, and I would like to be able to stay home and do that, and make a living that way. I also bought a standard starter kit from Pure Romance. It has a bunch of stuff in it that I'd wanted, and with that, I can become an active consultant. Plus, I'm also working up to almost 30 hours a week.

Big surprise, my confidence is shit. I seriously cannot feel anything but loathing for myself. I despise my thoughts.. I hate what I look like in the mirror.... All the acne, rolls, and dark spots.... This giant dimpled ass.... Huge thighs that get constant rubbed sores where they rub..... It's fucking gross.

My thoughts are always fucked, too. I feel so extremely stupid, at almost all times. I always feel that I'm awkward whenever I say anything to anybody. It's like, I say something, but it feels like I'm saying stupid shit... That I'm saying things that make no sense..... I have noticed I comment on stuff, more in real life and not online, and it's like I comment on shit that I have no idea on....but I do it to feel included....

I know this is terrible, but I don't usually tell my therapist everything...... I know I should, but I guess I want to be seen as okay. I don't want to be fucking broken anymore... I want to be NORMAL. I want to be happy, and to not have these constant negative thoughts going through my mind. How the hell are people out there so damn positive? I don't understand...