Craft fair...

Saturday is a craft fair.. It's the first craft fair where I'm really putting in a huge effort and have things that I've sewn and also embroidered... Can I just say...... I'M SO NERVOUS!!!! If I at least get my name out there.... and maybe make a few connections.. I guess it's not a total loss. I'm hoping to at least sell SOMETHING, though, to make up for what I've already put into it.

I'm also getting ready to go to bed, so I can work in the AM.... but I just felt the need to write that little snippet..

Toodles....

Sew on and sew forth...........................

Things have just been so hectic in my head, in my life, lately.

Andrew has a new job, which pays a bit more, BUT we're without insurance now. When insurance kicks in, he'll still only be making a little bit more than he was.

However... I feel so extremely overwhelmed with working random hours at work, and trying to get my business shit in order.. Plus, there's the kids. I'm at such a huge loss on what to do with them....

I received a call from not only Ana's teacher, but also the school social worker. Apparently, she was talking with a friend or two of hers and had "joked around" (as she puts it) that she wanted to kill herself. Who else's supposedly happy 10 year old says they want to kill themselves? What am I rubbing off on her, that she feels that way? How horrible am I as a mother that I had NO idea she felt that way?

How badly have I been out of it that I fucked my kids up this horribly....

I hate late nights... I can't even get my mind straight.

It's made even worse since I've spent since 9am yesterday sewing and sitting at the kitchen table... I'm trying to get shit in order to do a craft show so that I can make money for us for Christmas... but maybe I was stupid to sign up for the craft show.. Maybe I'm stupid to keep trying to sell things to people... My stuff is not that great... It's nice, but I don't think it's honestly good enough to fucking sell anything... I've been complimented on my stuff, but so far, I've basically only had my cousin who's bought from me...

Well, I guess since it's almost a quarter to four in the morning, I should probably get to bed... I'll be back up in two and a half hours for Ana to get off to school, anyway....

Restoration Of The Curse

I have such a hard time voicing shit to everyone. I seem to stay in my head a lot, and, while it does work a lot of the time, it hasn't seemed to be working quite as well lately.

Tonight, I'm sitting at home, without one other person in the house. This weekend is Labor day weekend, and I have to work all weekend. Amee is having a thing at her house this weekend, but I'm staying home, while Andrew and the girls stay the night at Amee's.

Sadly, this gives me time to think without talking to anybody here. I've spent all night so far watching Little Women: LA, which is interesting.

Anyway... So we all know I'm in therapy, I'm on meds. Blah. Well, I keep getting myself still in the mindset of a downward spiral. I think I'm taking on too much. I've started to get my craft business going, which has been a huge thing for me. I love my crafting, and I would like to be able to stay home and do that, and make a living that way. I also bought a standard starter kit from Pure Romance. It has a bunch of stuff in it that I'd wanted, and with that, I can become an active consultant. Plus, I'm also working up to almost 30 hours a week.

Big surprise, my confidence is shit. I seriously cannot feel anything but loathing for myself. I despise my thoughts.. I hate what I look like in the mirror.... All the acne, rolls, and dark spots.... This giant dimpled ass.... Huge thighs that get constant rubbed sores where they rub..... It's fucking gross.

My thoughts are always fucked, too. I feel so extremely stupid, at almost all times. I always feel that I'm awkward whenever I say anything to anybody. It's like, I say something, but it feels like I'm saying stupid shit... That I'm saying things that make no sense..... I have noticed I comment on stuff, more in real life and not online, and it's like I comment on shit that I have no idea on....but I do it to feel included....

I know this is terrible, but I don't usually tell my therapist everything...... I know I should, but I guess I want to be seen as okay. I don't want to be fucking broken anymore... I want to be NORMAL. I want to be happy, and to not have these constant negative thoughts going through my mind. How the hell are people out there so damn positive? I don't understand...

So today has been full of ups and downs. We got ana,  and got to go swimming at the hotel in Cincinnati 

After breakfast. I was exhausted.... I swam for a couple minutes. But I ended up having to sit out and take a nap on the little beach chairs.. took showers.. got everything in the car... And headed to the Pure Romance warehouse to pick up my starter consultant kit. Sadly, it wasn't done, so they said to go ahead and come back in an hour. We figured we would go get lunch. It was amazing! It was at this place called Toot's, which just happened to be a pokestop. They had hot dog kids meals free with adults which even included a small ice cream. The food was sooo good! Well, headed back to Pure Romance and they STILL weren't done. I asked if they would ship it, instead. Sure, but I'm pretty bummed. I was hoping to get my stuff started. Oh well. I should just focus on my crafting. We drive, and get to the Michigan welcome center.... Girls and I go to the bathrooms. We come out, and Andrew's headed in. No big deal.....until it starts pouring. Huge amounts of rain, jetting down over us. I couldn't see Ana,but yelled for her to head to the building. I tried the car doors, but they were locked. With Penny in my arms, crying about the rain hurting her, we run back to the building... Ana stayed behind a tree.... and it's been an hour or so and we're still all soaked.. I feel like such an asshole for not just running into the building but I didn't want to leave Ana alone, outside, at a rest stop... Ugh... I still let my stupid anxieties take over.. it's like I can't seem to stop once they start. It's gross. Even with the meds and therapy, even though people say I'm likeable and bubbly and outgoing and funny.... Or whatever other good things... I don't see them. It's like all I can see or feel is negative. I don't see in positives, and i know it's ruining my kids, if not everything else around me, too... I don't know how to quit...  

It's 3am and I must be lonely........

It's 3am... I can't sleep.... I'm watching this movie, but I can't seem to stop with the all nighters..... I've been on these slight depressive streaks. I hate admitting it..... Most of the time, it seems that I have all of my shit in order. That I have my thoughts, my life, in order.. However, it seems that I am so far from that tonight. I feel like my whole head is spinning, like my thoughts are all over... Andrew's looking into jobs in more populated areas, and, although I'm super happy about it, I'm still iffy. I love my job, but I'll have to quit. Most days, however, I feel like I shouldn't be allowed to work.. That I should just be home, caring for the kids, getting the house clean... but then I realize that I need to be realistic. I'm a horrible house keeper. I'm not that great at being a mom. Shit, 9 times out of 10, I can't even deal with the kids.. I don't have the patience... I feel like I'm horrible and that I don't deserve any of the stuff that I have, the family, the love, etc.... I also feel extremely lonely. Even with Andrew around to talk to, it's like it's the same old thing that I have to say... so I just don't say it. How I feel.. What I'm thinking... I kind of feel like I've alienated some of my friends, too... I don't feel like I have any at the moment... I try and talk to some online, through text, but it's like one thing and I end up not having anything else to say........ I get it, that other people have busy, busy lives.... I should be okay, but I need people... As much as I'm an introvert, I crave attention... I crave it like a little child craves praise... craves love... I feel like it's a sickness. I shouldn't feel like this, as an adult. I should be fine in my own skin, in my own life. Somehow, though, I'm not. I'm not okay... I don't really truly know if I'll ever be okay. I'm not too terribly shabby at faking it, though........

........Welcome to my head................................................... You've just finished page one.......


....................Would you like to continue?

Nein.

There's this word...

I seem to only be able to say it to my kids, and even then.... It's rare...

I try so very hard to be there for everyone.. To do for everyone..

I try to not let anybody down.

However.....................

I'm letting myself down. I constantly say, "Yes! I can do that for you!" when I should really, really, REALLY be saying, "I'm sorry. My plate is full, and I'm unable to help you." Or I should actually accept what I'm worth.. What my time, talent, and persistence is all worth..

Do I?

Nope.. I do for free, a lot of the time, because I feel that I'll be valued more... That I'll be wanted more... That I'll be accepted more...

I feel that it's actually backfired. I feel like now, after I've offered to help (because I'm dumb), or I've said "sure!" when I should have said "no"..... that all I've done is shown people that I don't value myself. So why should they value me?

**sigh**

I know that this post is pathetic and fucked, but whatever.. It's what I think... It's what I feel.. and damnit, this is my blog. I'll write whatever the fuck I want to.....

Because maybe.. You're gonna be the one to save me....

One stipulation on my getting an embroidery machine was that I try to make money off of the things that I make.

My Brother PE770 with my Brother 6000i

What do you do when you feel that you're never going to have enough things made to start even selling?

I have many ideas, as far as what things I would like to make. However, they probably will not be anything that would be worth trying to sell. I have no idea what people will and will not like. I don't want to just blend in with the crowd of people making the same things, either.

I've been making finger puppets of fairy tales, but I'm not honestly sure if that's something any kids would actually enjoy playing with. Using my own kids as examples probably wouldn't be a great idea, since they're odd, as far as some kids go. Penny's still little so it's hard to honestly gauge what she enjoys.

Ana is, yes, a girl, but she doesn't like typical girl things. She doesn't like Frozen, could care less about Shopkins, Barbies, and princess stuff. She doesn't like minions... I'm not sure she likes any super heroes of any type, either. She likes dragons.. She likes dinosaurs, kind of. She likes Pokemon, so that's one thing..

What in the world do I make that kids would enjoy!? Sheesh... You'd think having them around all the time, I'd know...

If anybody actually reads this, what would be some thing, or things, YOU would buy from a sewer/embroiderer?

Yeah... I miss you..............

I was friends with a man for many, many, many years. We met in high school, and clicked pretty well.

We were damn near inseparable.

Due to me stupidly having a fit over breastfeeding and posting pictures of it (in hopes that it becomes normalized), we fell out.

I miss him... I miss him every damn day.

When I was in the hospital, I tried to reach out to him.. I tried to apologize.....

I haven't heard from him in a very, very long time..

I see his mom every so often, since my mom works with her. I talk with her, and I find out that he's doing alright.

I feel so pathetic and stupid for wishing he'd at least say "hello" some time.

He was there for me for everything, and I... **sigh**

I wasn't there for him, like he was for me...

He saved me so many times, and I feel like I did nothing for him.

I don't think, even after the time we've not talked, that I can forgive myself for letting him go...

I just.. I really hope that he's doing amazing, and that.. I don't know.. That maybe, somehow, he can forgive me.. That maybe we can possibly even get to be acquaintances again, if nothing else...

....

....

If he happens to see this... Hello... I wish you well... I miss you...

Give me something to believe in...

When I was younger, I was brought up in a Lutheran-Christian school. Most of my family attends church, and has for as long as I can remember. However, I think that, with my being an only child with an unmarried parent, it kind of made me the kid on the side. That, as well as many other things in my life, have made me reevaluate my religion. I never really did feel that the beliefs held by my family were the same as mine. 

In later years, I tried to go back to church. I even tried a different type of church, one where they were more vocal and involved with the church services. However, the whole "speaking in tongues" thing just kind of really turned me off, and was quite unnerving. I'm an introvert and I'm not big on huge, grandiose shows of yelling out and throwing yourself on the ground in praise. In a way, I was forced to that church, by my ex-mother-in-law. She insisted that I needed Christ in my life, and I was brainwashed by her and her son to the point where I believed everything they said and did to me. 

Abuse from them turned me even more against religion. I tried and prayed for so many things while within religion, and never, even with working towards things, got what I prayed for. Not even close. 

Today, with everything going on, do I miss religion? In a way. I do have to be honest with myself... I wish that I had something to believe in. I do see how blissful some are, in believing that their god is the one and only true god, and that that god will save them and bring them happiness. 

In October, I put myself into the hospital, in the mental illness wing. While in there, I started to feel a bit happier, hearing that I wasn't alone. I was evaluated, and found out that I not only have chronic depression, but also generalized anxiety disorder and borderline personality disorder. The first two I wasn't shocked about in the least. However, I had no idea that I had borderline personality disorder. From what the psychiatrist explained, it means, basically, that my moods shift depending on the situation. If something occurs, even if it's small, I can become overjoyed or extremely upset or angry, with no notice. 

My medicine was switched, and I've been on a new one since leaving the hospital. The things that I learned in the hospital haven't quite stuck as well as anybody had hoped. I still get depressed quite frequently, even with my medicine. It's been increased, and seemed to work better for a while, but then it goes back to what it was before being increased. 

The constant depression and, well, somewhat reoccurring suicidal thoughts are making me wish that I had something, anything, I could truly believe in. I would love to know what being happy would actually feel like. Don't get me wrong.. My husband and my kids do make me happy, as does my crafting, but not deliriously happy, like religion seems to for some. 

I guess I just have to continue to search, and hope that I can find something to truly believe in, that might make me that happy.