I'm not sure whether it's circumstances or just my head that's making me feel that things are inescapably worse. I feel like no matter what I do, I can't be happy, and I just continue to fuck up and hurt every single person around me. I'm a selfish piece of fucking shit, and I don't deserve to be happy. I need to just get the house cleaned, get all the laundry done, get everything in order, cook the meals that everyone likes, stop spending money on stupid shit, start making more money to have for everyone to be able to have their fun.... I'm supposed to be able to smile through it all. I'm supposed to be happy if that all happens, right? I feel like it's all wrong. Everything is wrong. Everything that I do, especially, is wrong. I'm too hard on my kids. I'm not hard enough. I care too much. I don't care enough. I'm overdressed and intimidating. I'm underdressed and sloppy. I'm a good cook, but I don't do things the correct way, so it's all wrong. I don't spend enough time on crafts for the family. I spend too much on crafts for the family.
I feel fucking numb.
Can I please please please give up?
I'm so very tempted to just start boxing up my fabrics... Boxing up my patterns... Boxing up my collectibles... Boxing up whatever other crafts I have and selling them or donating them. Why do I need them? All they do is gather dust and destroy the house.
Hi, Nicole!
ReplyDeleteI stumbled across your blog today while putting together a mess of references relating in any fashion to the post title "Pure Romance Warehouse" at a website of mine ─ I had been creating a lengthy post for over the past couple of weeks, and finally got the darned thing published this morning.
Anyway, I was struck by your openness - as well as the silence your heartfelt posts were met with.
My own personal blog just passed the 10-year milestone, and over the years I have used it to sound out about my own life's situations - frustrations, pain, anguish.
I have even written about my isolation and how depressions have been a huge part of my life since I was a teen back in the mid- and latter-1960s.
So 10 years of that sort of thing in my enormously long blog, and not one word from anyone moved enough to feel like commenting.
I hope your blogging silence just indicates other involvements in a rather full and busy life, and not discouragement.
Wishing you well....