In your head.... In your head.... Zombie....

I'm not sure whether it's circumstances or just my head that's making me feel that things are inescapably worse. I feel like no matter what I do, I can't be happy, and I just continue to fuck up and hurt every single person around me. I'm a selfish piece of fucking shit, and I don't deserve to be happy. I need to just get the house cleaned, get all the laundry done, get everything in order, cook the meals that everyone likes, stop spending money on stupid shit, start making more money to have for everyone to be able to have their fun.... I'm supposed to be able to smile through it all. I'm supposed to be happy if that all happens, right? I feel like it's all wrong. Everything is wrong. Everything that I do, especially, is wrong. I'm too hard on my kids. I'm not hard enough. I care too much. I don't care enough. I'm overdressed and intimidating. I'm underdressed and sloppy. I'm a good cook, but I don't do things the correct way, so it's all wrong. I don't spend enough time on crafts for the family. I spend too much on crafts for the family.

I feel fucking numb.

Can I please please please give up?

I'm so very tempted to just start boxing up my fabrics... Boxing up my patterns... Boxing up my collectibles... Boxing up whatever other crafts I have and selling them or donating them. Why do I need them? All they do is gather dust and destroy the house.

Hello, 2018!! So far, so good!

I'm really hoping so!! So far, this year has been great. Haha! I know, day one and all that, so what could've gone wrong so far?? Nothing, I say!!

Andrew and I ended up sleeping past 11:00 am.. It was pretty great. Ana got to make pancakes for the first time, and she really didn't do too badly. She accidentally put in two cups of milk, instead of the one that it called for, and had ended up with a couple of the larger pancakes folding. Those ones were slightly raw in the middle, but with Andrew liking the raw dough anyway, he enjoyed them. She was so proud! She kept asking how they were, which, of course, I loved them. They're pancakes! What's not to love??

After brunch, we sat and watched some stuff on Animal Planet about dogs, and got ready to leave. I found out the Midland Mall was open today so we went to play in the play area. I also had to put in a day off for a Pure Romance bus tour with Kari, so I stopped in to work. Also scored some $1.97 machine embroidery thread!! That stuff is normally close to $9... Score!!! Then to Five Below. I realized that not only is that the name of the store, but it's also close to what the stupid temperature has been around here. Freezing friggin cold!!!!!

All of that moving and shopping.... We were all hungry. We all love the local Mongolian Barbecue place, so that's where we headed. I'm still stuffed, and we finished about three hours ago. Well, that place also happens to be a Pokestop, so we did some Pokemon GO! while we were out. Funny how when we do that, Penny is awake the whole time... We go to pull into the trailer park, and she passes out. Really, kid?? Eh, it is what it is!

So, the other night, Andrew and I went on a super late anniversary make up date and got to watch Star Wars The Last Jedi.. Amazing!!! I cried.. I cried because, well, Carrie Fisher! I also laughed, because there were some great parts, especially with Luke. The porgs were really, really cute..

Yesterday I was playing around on my phone, checking out Facebook and also Instagram. I came across this post that had a porg from Star Wars! I showed it to Ana, and I have decided that it's going to be my next crochet project. I'm not great at amigurumi, so we'll see how it turns out. Probably will look more pointed than the original, or worse! Hahaha! I plan on using cotton yarn for most of it, and I only have one brown, instead of the three shades it calls for. I also only have orange in acrylic, so I'll have to make due. Oh well!

Well, the kids are off to bed, and Andrew and I will be putting on Rogue One in a few. What better time is there, than watching another Star Wars movie, to make a Star Wars buddy?? Nothing, I say! Nothing!!

Losing my religion...

I started going to a new church starting in the beginning of October. Here's the thing...... I'm not sure I believe in a set God/god. I feel that there may be something out there, possibly, but I'm not sure what. I mean, seriously, do ANY of us really know if there's something out there for certain? When I'm singing at church... I feel like I'm lying. Praying feels like lies... because I don't believe in a set god. The good thing about the church I'm going to is that it's more of an energy, a source energy, than a set god. They still say Jesus, they still talk about God, so it kind of throws me off. I've been meaning to write about this for a long while now.. And I'm not sure that midnight is the right time, but at least I'm getting started on it and getting some of it out of my head. Now, for me, I think that there's something out there... We can't be JUST us, you know? I feel like it's something kind of like karma, maybe... That the universe is full of this electric energy and that each of us can, in some small ways, control it.. Mold it.. Bend it...

Craft fair...

Saturday is a craft fair.. It's the first craft fair where I'm really putting in a huge effort and have things that I've sewn and also embroidered... Can I just say...... I'M SO NERVOUS!!!! If I at least get my name out there.... and maybe make a few connections.. I guess it's not a total loss. I'm hoping to at least sell SOMETHING, though, to make up for what I've already put into it.

I'm also getting ready to go to bed, so I can work in the AM.... but I just felt the need to write that little snippet..

Toodles....

Sew on and sew forth...........................

Things have just been so hectic in my head, in my life, lately.

Andrew has a new job, which pays a bit more, BUT we're without insurance now. When insurance kicks in, he'll still only be making a little bit more than he was.

However... I feel so extremely overwhelmed with working random hours at work, and trying to get my business shit in order.. Plus, there's the kids. I'm at such a huge loss on what to do with them....

I received a call from not only Ana's teacher, but also the school social worker. Apparently, she was talking with a friend or two of hers and had "joked around" (as she puts it) that she wanted to kill herself. Who else's supposedly happy 10 year old says they want to kill themselves? What am I rubbing off on her, that she feels that way? How horrible am I as a mother that I had NO idea she felt that way?

How badly have I been out of it that I fucked my kids up this horribly....

I hate late nights... I can't even get my mind straight.

It's made even worse since I've spent since 9am yesterday sewing and sitting at the kitchen table... I'm trying to get shit in order to do a craft show so that I can make money for us for Christmas... but maybe I was stupid to sign up for the craft show.. Maybe I'm stupid to keep trying to sell things to people... My stuff is not that great... It's nice, but I don't think it's honestly good enough to fucking sell anything... I've been complimented on my stuff, but so far, I've basically only had my cousin who's bought from me...

Well, I guess since it's almost a quarter to four in the morning, I should probably get to bed... I'll be back up in two and a half hours for Ana to get off to school, anyway....

Restoration Of The Curse

I have such a hard time voicing shit to everyone. I seem to stay in my head a lot, and, while it does work a lot of the time, it hasn't seemed to be working quite as well lately.

Tonight, I'm sitting at home, without one other person in the house. This weekend is Labor day weekend, and I have to work all weekend. Amee is having a thing at her house this weekend, but I'm staying home, while Andrew and the girls stay the night at Amee's.

Sadly, this gives me time to think without talking to anybody here. I've spent all night so far watching Little Women: LA, which is interesting.

Anyway... So we all know I'm in therapy, I'm on meds. Blah. Well, I keep getting myself still in the mindset of a downward spiral. I think I'm taking on too much. I've started to get my craft business going, which has been a huge thing for me. I love my crafting, and I would like to be able to stay home and do that, and make a living that way. I also bought a standard starter kit from Pure Romance. It has a bunch of stuff in it that I'd wanted, and with that, I can become an active consultant. Plus, I'm also working up to almost 30 hours a week.

Big surprise, my confidence is shit. I seriously cannot feel anything but loathing for myself. I despise my thoughts.. I hate what I look like in the mirror.... All the acne, rolls, and dark spots.... This giant dimpled ass.... Huge thighs that get constant rubbed sores where they rub..... It's fucking gross.

My thoughts are always fucked, too. I feel so extremely stupid, at almost all times. I always feel that I'm awkward whenever I say anything to anybody. It's like, I say something, but it feels like I'm saying stupid shit... That I'm saying things that make no sense..... I have noticed I comment on stuff, more in real life and not online, and it's like I comment on shit that I have no idea on....but I do it to feel included....

I know this is terrible, but I don't usually tell my therapist everything...... I know I should, but I guess I want to be seen as okay. I don't want to be fucking broken anymore... I want to be NORMAL. I want to be happy, and to not have these constant negative thoughts going through my mind. How the hell are people out there so damn positive? I don't understand...

So today has been full of ups and downs. We got ana,  and got to go swimming at the hotel in Cincinnati 

After breakfast. I was exhausted.... I swam for a couple minutes. But I ended up having to sit out and take a nap on the little beach chairs.. took showers.. got everything in the car... And headed to the Pure Romance warehouse to pick up my starter consultant kit. Sadly, it wasn't done, so they said to go ahead and come back in an hour. We figured we would go get lunch. It was amazing! It was at this place called Toot's, which just happened to be a pokestop. They had hot dog kids meals free with adults which even included a small ice cream. The food was sooo good! Well, headed back to Pure Romance and they STILL weren't done. I asked if they would ship it, instead. Sure, but I'm pretty bummed. I was hoping to get my stuff started. Oh well. I should just focus on my crafting. We drive, and get to the Michigan welcome center.... Girls and I go to the bathrooms. We come out, and Andrew's headed in. No big deal.....until it starts pouring. Huge amounts of rain, jetting down over us. I couldn't see Ana,but yelled for her to head to the building. I tried the car doors, but they were locked. With Penny in my arms, crying about the rain hurting her, we run back to the building... Ana stayed behind a tree.... and it's been an hour or so and we're still all soaked.. I feel like such an asshole for not just running into the building but I didn't want to leave Ana alone, outside, at a rest stop... Ugh... I still let my stupid anxieties take over.. it's like I can't seem to stop once they start. It's gross. Even with the meds and therapy, even though people say I'm likeable and bubbly and outgoing and funny.... Or whatever other good things... I don't see them. It's like all I can see or feel is negative. I don't see in positives, and i know it's ruining my kids, if not everything else around me, too... I don't know how to quit...  

It's 3am and I must be lonely........

It's 3am... I can't sleep.... I'm watching this movie, but I can't seem to stop with the all nighters..... I've been on these slight depressive streaks. I hate admitting it..... Most of the time, it seems that I have all of my shit in order. That I have my thoughts, my life, in order.. However, it seems that I am so far from that tonight. I feel like my whole head is spinning, like my thoughts are all over... Andrew's looking into jobs in more populated areas, and, although I'm super happy about it, I'm still iffy. I love my job, but I'll have to quit. Most days, however, I feel like I shouldn't be allowed to work.. That I should just be home, caring for the kids, getting the house clean... but then I realize that I need to be realistic. I'm a horrible house keeper. I'm not that great at being a mom. Shit, 9 times out of 10, I can't even deal with the kids.. I don't have the patience... I feel like I'm horrible and that I don't deserve any of the stuff that I have, the family, the love, etc.... I also feel extremely lonely. Even with Andrew around to talk to, it's like it's the same old thing that I have to say... so I just don't say it. How I feel.. What I'm thinking... I kind of feel like I've alienated some of my friends, too... I don't feel like I have any at the moment... I try and talk to some online, through text, but it's like one thing and I end up not having anything else to say........ I get it, that other people have busy, busy lives.... I should be okay, but I need people... As much as I'm an introvert, I crave attention... I crave it like a little child craves praise... craves love... I feel like it's a sickness. I shouldn't feel like this, as an adult. I should be fine in my own skin, in my own life. Somehow, though, I'm not. I'm not okay... I don't really truly know if I'll ever be okay. I'm not too terribly shabby at faking it, though........

........Welcome to my head................................................... You've just finished page one.......


....................Would you like to continue?

Nein.

There's this word...

I seem to only be able to say it to my kids, and even then.... It's rare...

I try so very hard to be there for everyone.. To do for everyone..

I try to not let anybody down.

However.....................

I'm letting myself down. I constantly say, "Yes! I can do that for you!" when I should really, really, REALLY be saying, "I'm sorry. My plate is full, and I'm unable to help you." Or I should actually accept what I'm worth.. What my time, talent, and persistence is all worth..

Do I?

Nope.. I do for free, a lot of the time, because I feel that I'll be valued more... That I'll be wanted more... That I'll be accepted more...

I feel that it's actually backfired. I feel like now, after I've offered to help (because I'm dumb), or I've said "sure!" when I should have said "no"..... that all I've done is shown people that I don't value myself. So why should they value me?

**sigh**

I know that this post is pathetic and fucked, but whatever.. It's what I think... It's what I feel.. and damnit, this is my blog. I'll write whatever the fuck I want to.....

Because maybe.. You're gonna be the one to save me....

One stipulation on my getting an embroidery machine was that I try to make money off of the things that I make.

My Brother PE770 with my Brother 6000i

What do you do when you feel that you're never going to have enough things made to start even selling?

I have many ideas, as far as what things I would like to make. However, they probably will not be anything that would be worth trying to sell. I have no idea what people will and will not like. I don't want to just blend in with the crowd of people making the same things, either.

I've been making finger puppets of fairy tales, but I'm not honestly sure if that's something any kids would actually enjoy playing with. Using my own kids as examples probably wouldn't be a great idea, since they're odd, as far as some kids go. Penny's still little so it's hard to honestly gauge what she enjoys.

Ana is, yes, a girl, but she doesn't like typical girl things. She doesn't like Frozen, could care less about Shopkins, Barbies, and princess stuff. She doesn't like minions... I'm not sure she likes any super heroes of any type, either. She likes dragons.. She likes dinosaurs, kind of. She likes Pokemon, so that's one thing..

What in the world do I make that kids would enjoy!? Sheesh... You'd think having them around all the time, I'd know...

If anybody actually reads this, what would be some thing, or things, YOU would buy from a sewer/embroiderer?